Yearning for my old self in the new normal
By Andrei Miguel Hermosa
Back in high school, I used to be an achiever who was passionate about everything. I’d get straight A’s on my report cards, clinch high spots on the honor roll, and exert my best efforts in all my schoolwork. In addition to that, I was also actively pursuing my talents, which included writing poems, playing instruments, and playing football.
But when the pandemic came, everything suddenly changed. I stopped getting straight A’s and started struggling with schoolwork. Nowadays, I’ve been losing my motivation to study, and my energy easily depletes every time I exert effort in anything. Hence, I no longer give my best or aim for the highest marks like I used to. My only goal these days is to “just pass” and get things over with.
Moreover, I’ve also lost interest in pursuing my talents. Since the start of the pandemic, I’ve been spending most of my free time playing video games, binge-watching Netflix shows, and scrolling through social media feeds instead of honing my talents or doing productive hobbies. For some reason, writing poems, playing instruments, and playing football have suddenly become too tiresome to do.
Clearly, I’m no longer the passionate achiever that I used to be. The diligent person that I once was has now turned into someone who easily gets exhausted and loses interest in everything.
The guilt of not doing enough
As someone who’s been used to working hard and achieving a lot all my life, it wasn’t easy for me to accept the reality that my passionate old self is gone. The guilt of not doing enough would always creep in and flood my mind with pessimistic thoughts.
From time to time, I would berate myself for not being as productive as I used to and feel ashamed of the unproductive hobbies I’ve been dabbling in. Then, I would try to revive my passion, doing everything I could think of to attain the same degree of productivity I used to have. I would uninstall the video games on my phone, deactivate my social media accounts, and get the television out of my room just so I could focus on every productive thing I used to do in the past. But no matter what I did, I still couldn’t bring myself to be the same passionate person I used to be.
And every time I see other people thriving in the new normal, I can’t help but get envious and wonder how my life would look if only my old self were still with me. For sure, I would’ve maintained my straight A’s in college, written hundreds of poems, improved my ability in playing the piano, and probably learned some new skills as well. There are so many good things that could have happened and so many triumphs that I could have obtained — had I only retained my old self’s passion.
For over three years, I’ve carried this guilt like a bag of rocks on my chest — until a recent conversation with a friend prompted me to reevaluate my outlook on the situation.
A break from years-long exhaustion
“Maybe this is the time for you to take a break,” my friend told me. “You’ve already done so much before the pandemic!”
At first, I didn’t find his words to be of any use. I even thought that he was dismissing my sentiments. But after some time of contemplation, I realized that he was right.
Perhaps, I really need to take a break first. For the past years, I’ve lived my life under the constant pressure of getting perfect scores and being productive all the time. I just kept working hard, and I rarely felt the need to rest or take a step back. Relaxing and indulging in leisure activities often felt like a mere waste of time; I always preferred keeping myself busy and doing something useful.
Like a silent poison, I never noticed that I was already getting worn out — until I felt its dire consequences. The pressure to do so much has made me shun my own emotions. As I got too fixated on keeping myself busy and striving for achievements, I failed to notice how tired I was already.
This explains why my drive to do anything easily diminishes nowadays. Similar to a video game, where you can only use a maximum amount of energy for quests, I’ve already used up most of my energy for the past years. Hence, allowing myself to take a step back for a while is indeed the right decision. Having some breathing room will allow me to recover from all the exhaustion and slowly replenish all the energy and motivation I’ve lost.
Prioritizing my emotional needs
Furthermore, another important thing I realized — and something I must remind myself of everyday — is that the world is still in the throes of the pandemic.
For the past three years, I’ve been so preoccupied with maintaining my achievements and bringing back my old self that I’ve forgotten how severely the pandemic has affected me. With everything that’s been happening — from infections, lockdowns, and the uncertainty of surviving — it’s inevitable that I may no longer have the same energy and enthusiasm I used to have.
Instead of berating myself for not being passionate anymore, I should give myself more credit for still being able to pull through despite all the challenges the pandemic threw at me. Amid all the stress, emotional breakdowns, and disastrous events I encountered, I’m still here. I may not be as passionate as my old self, but I’m able to overcome insurmountable odds and survive. That’s already a huge achievement I should be proud of.
As the pandemic continues to ravage the world, I must put my emotional needs before my ambitions and achievements. Hence, I must cherish the hobbies that bring me peace and stability — no matter how useful or impressive they are in society’s eyes. Playing video games, binge-watching Netflix shows, and scrolling through social media feeds are not productive and worth boasting about, but they comfort me and make me happy. The simple comfort and happiness that I get from these hobbies have given me the strength to get through dark days and endure the hardships brought about by the new normal.
Getting straight A’s and pursuing my talents would certainly be ideal and fulfilling, but if they aren’t bringing me peace and stability at the moment, then I must set them aside first. My desire for accomplishments should never outweigh my emotional needs.
The beauty of taking a step back
As I choose to take a step back, it’s normal that I would feel like I’m stuck and fear that my passion may never come back again. However, I have to remind myself that lacking passion in the present doesn’t mean that I won’t be passionate ever again or that I’ll no longer achieve success in the future. I’m simply giving myself a much-needed break. When the time is right, I’ll be as passionate as my old self again. But for now, I have to prioritize my emotional needs first.
In a society that glorifies being busy, we must learn the beauty of taking a step back. We must remember that taking a break from your journey is not the same as giving up on it. Rather, it’s the process of giving yourself some time to regain the strength and clarity that you have lost, so that when you get back to your path, you’ll be able to pursue it again with a peace of mind and a clearer sense of direction.
