The unspoken blurred lines in relationships
By Jewyz Ann Bunyi
Seasons change. The scorching sun overpowers the warm vanishing whispers of spring, leaves will eventually turn into different shades of sepia, the familiar ambience of wintertime will come back, and when it does, the enchanting scent of budding flowers will follow. Relationships, just like seasons, change; some may wither, and some may blossom. Different sets of ups and downs thrown in one seasonal round trip bring mixed feelings of happiness, melancholy, hatred, relief, confusion, etc. And a mere line can define it.
Every relationship has a line, whether platonic, romantic, or whatever you call it. It’s a definition of where we stand. If we cross it, we assume responsibility and apologize. When it’s violated, we call them out.
But what if the line is clouded?
Questions emerge that cannot be answered alone. Past encounters, words that should have been long said, unpacked personal baggage, and current dilemmas occur all at once in hopes of getting an answer. The same phenomenon of asking questions creates ambiguity; Is asking for clarification too much? The need to pry becomes stronger, but it might violate their boundaries. But then again, the line is not clear. So the waiting game starts.
While waiting for clarity, seasons have already flown by in different hues far different from the previous ones.
Buried words of assurance
A relationship that is built on deep trust has a strong foundation — a solid faith in each other that no number of rough waves and thunders will bring them down. Sheer confidence, indeed. Relationships offer comfort and tranquility amidst rowdiness. When the level of comfort reaches complacency, the relationship mindlessly goes on autopilot, where monotony springs. What used to bring us smiles and butterflies is now taken for granted.
Complacency becomes the death of a relationship. It may commence due to a lack of effort to reach out, spark old routines, catch up, and even recall nostalgic repetitive stories. The relationship remains static because we’re content with what we have, even though we can reach far beyond that. We huff over the lost times and connections and sometimes blame ourselves for coming short of what is expected of us to be.
There are instances when we want to know more about someone’s life, to be their confidant, trustee, and safe space when they’re in joy or shambles. However, we have to understand that not sharing a glimpse of their recent activities and conundrums has nothing to do with us personally. It’s not always about us. Nonetheless, we can’t help but question our roles. We wait until they are ready to open up, but the waiting time has no clarity; hence, the assumption of silent beef none is aware of.
Every relationship is a tough rollercoaster ride. There is this feeling of stillness on a straight path, agony when it slowly escalates to its peak and excitement when it comes down swiftly. On days when agony takes over, words of assurance must be said coherently rather than resorting to awkward laughs, shaky eye contact, and timid mumbles. The ecstatic feeling becomes worthwhile as assurance revitalizes what has died down.
Trust, loyalty, and confidence are given in relationships, but assurance binds them all together. And both parties must execute it. It takes courage and maturity, but at least it wouldn’t come to the point of changing seasons.
Mixed signals and self-gratifications
But there are instances when assurance can’t leave one’s throat. We’re okay, but we’re actually not. Deep down, we hold grudges and questions. The assumption of having a personal problem between two parties becomes a reality; no amount of assurance can dismiss the tension because hard conversations are avoided. And so, the gap widens; we try to feel fine about it.
High emotions and intense sensitiveness are deemed awkward and difficult to express. To save whatever is left to save, we don’t address them. Assumptions and overthinking kill the potentiality of deeper connection. Ironic how confrontations are avoided because of plain reasons like awkwardness, “they are better off left unsaid,” and cowardness that a relationship might lead to its downfall. We could have shared the whole cake, yet we preferred the crumbs. We are thankful, despite knowing that we deserve better.
I have this person who is very dear to me. While the people around us feel the tension between us, we have never had a deep conversation with just us two. We always need to have a homing pigeon relaying the message. Immature, you can say. In my case, what prevents me from having the conversation is my cowardness that everything might go back to square one, where we cannot bond in one room. I simply accept the obscurity, with light taps, witty jokes, and cute smiles as compensation.
Bare minimum becomes my obsession. If it is what it takes to retain the only thing that can be offered, I am willing to take it in a heartbeat. Fragments of memories, no matter how little they are, can be too hard to let go of. The bond shared keeps me sane and everything intact, not minding the little, growing cracks. Mixed signals arise, continuously asking myself the same question all over again. A hard and meaningful confrontation is the solution, but it is an understatement that might lead to a 180-degree shift. In the end, the crumbs feel more worth it despite sacrificing a whole cake.
The blame game commences. Do I blame myself for being a coward and wanting to clear the air even if it’s long overdue? Or do I blame them for not noticing and acting upon it? But then again, relationships and miscommunication must be handled together. If everything is not cleared out in the first place, everything will just float mindlessly with no chance of moving forward. These are all normal in every relationship. But keeping them bottled up for the longest time is not healthy in the long run.
From here, take it as a sign. Know that conversations are the lifeblood of relationships. It takes self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and a healthy amount of courage to have conversations about personal and sensitive subjects. It is rocky and uncomfortable at first, but it will eventually give off comfort and relief once everything is all laid out. Take full responsibility for your involvement in this predicament while remaining calm and humble.
In a relationship, nothing is one-sided, but it gets hazy from time to time. If it is indeed built sturdy, the blurred lines will just lift up with both parties acknowledging and recognizing them. They must be addressed to keep it going. But if it already reaches a dead end, an approved ultimatum must be placed in order to handle everything maturely and peacefully. And if it’s only childishly going in circles, walk away and reclaim your peace. In the end, no one deserves pitiful crumbs and to wait in vain.
