The silent battles of Christmas loneliness and yearning
By Jewyz Ann Bunyi
It’s December once again.
The most-awaited time of the year brings us back to its nostalgic ambiance mixed with the scent of bibingka and puto bumbong, audacious fairy lights, and the voices of children singing quintessential carols. People would run straight to the malls, grabbing their carts to purchase their last-minute gifts wrapped with fancy Christmas-themed patterns and lavish bows. One’s year-round yearning is undoubtedly satisfied by the familiarity of the Christmas spirit. With the eagerly anticipated Paskuhan festivities as our well-deserved presents coming to an end, Christmas came a few days early for us Thomasians.
After two years of celebrating Paskuhan through our bland screens, this year’s celebration is indeed a special one. Being akin to Valentine’s Day, some couples scattered around Lover’s Lane, giggling at their lovey-dovey photos taken under the lights while seated on the benches. Paskuhan, alike in its previous iterations, also became a chance for Thomasians to shoot their witty pickup lines and whimsical invitations to their crushes, which have been embedded in the Thomasian culture.
For some, seeing couples celebrate holidays together could be a physical reminder that they don’t have a holidate. And this lonesome feeling might be amplified if they saw more of them during Paskuhan festivities. What adds more to this forlorn sentiment is that Christmas is not as joyous as it used to be.
Evaporated Christmas spirit
The thought of Christmas used to make me the giddiest kid alive. Even on most days when I wanted to act like a grown-up back then, Christmas was my kryptonite to go back and be a child. But it’s no longer the same. As we age, Christmas gradually becomes a burden. And when the tension and anxiety mount, we shrink back from recapturing its joyous essence. The part where I have to bake cookies, decorate the house, and even help my mom prepare our Christmas dinner has been a heavy chore for me, despite enjoying all of them when I was young.
Patricia Riddell, a neuroscience professor at the University of Reading, explains that the joy, astonishment, surprise, and love we experience throughout the holiday season cause the production of both dopamine and oxytocin. However, we elevate our expectations of happiness by anticipating Christmas too much, which causes us to feel less pleased than we anticipated. Psychology professor Krystine Batcho mentioned that these feelings are rooted in nostalgia, which might make us disappointed if the promise of Christmas is not realized. She also said that as adults, we frequently experience stress as we try to juggle the demands of our everyday lives with the added responsibilities of carrying out all the holiday activities.
In my case, lack of time and distance are my nemeses. My responsibilities as a student barely give me time to appreciate Christmas, or at least ponder about it. Moreover, having some of my closest friends and family away from me has made this season particularly difficult. We frown over the missing number of gifts under the tree because some are not physically there anymore. This profound state of melancholy, also known as “saudade,” made us so attached to nostalgia that it made us forget to live in the present. Know that this is a valid emotion that we don’t have to repress just to maintain our fortitude.
Perhaps it is not the present me who is actually disappointed — it’s my inner child. The kid who used to be merry at the sight of flashing Christmas lights is no longer here. It’s not the wistful Christmas spirit that gradually vanished; it was the kid in me who kept knocking on the door to let her out. Christmas was once her favorite, and I deprived her of savoring it. My attachment to the ‘old’ Christmas made me forget to tend to her. Consequently, my current self senses the hollowness as I slowly lose her.
Epitomizing loneliness as the absence of a romantic partner
In the Philippine setting, Christmas also means getting in touch with our friends and relatives (even those we barely know). Aside from the usual kumustahans and a tad of back-handed compliments, the prominent question “May jowa ka na ba?” has become one of the conversation starters I usually avoid. Some would even link my family name to the idea that being in a relationship runs in the blood because of the “good genes” I possess.
While it pressures me to be in one, it also creates the stigma that I’m a disgrace simply because I do not have a significant partner. What bothers me more is how the digital world is also being mentioned, insinuating that I have no reason not to be in a relationship since there are dating apps and such. Singlism has long been rampant, stereotyping single people as immature, selfish, miserable, lonely, and even physically unattractive.
But I have to admit that these comments usually get me. There are moments when I would host a pity party for one at two in the morning to contemplate my intrusive thoughts, insecurities, and the predicament that I might be the problem. The fact that this routine runs randomly around December baffles me. Being alone makes me feel downhearted sometimes. Nonetheless, it is also my choice. In celebration of Paskuhan, there were brief moments when I gott envious of how people get asked out, the traditions they shared during their past Paskuhans, and even the simple HHWW (holding hands while walking) around the campus. Despite my jealousy and insecurities, I am well aware that I don’t have to fill in the void just because my fleeting whims and caprices say so.
We have this entrenched notion that just like Valentine’s, Christmas and other holidays must be enjoyed by pairs. There’s nothing wrong with it. However, it eventually evolved into an annual pattern that we must cling to. The loneliness caused by my gloomy inner child gives me the realization that the joy, kilig, anticipation, or anything that would spice up Christmas again should stem from me. The yearning and loneliness of Christmas revolve around how I view Christmas today: bland and vain, which somehow pushes me to seek this lively feeling of Christmas by looking for a romantic companion. The joy, however, is still there. The Christmas spirit is still there; I just have to wake up the sleeping child I caged.
The solace in solitude
We all live differently. Reasons for spending Paskuhan alone vary from person to person, and we don’t owe anyone an explanation for this one. Alone and lonely are two words that are typically used interchangeably, regardless of their different meanings. We feel bad for those who are alone because we assume they are miserable. But that’s not the case for everyone. For some, being alone is an avenue for tranquility, calmness, and comfort, while it could mean boredom, anxiety, and loneliness for others. Still, whether by choice or not, being alone could cause this sudden wave of loneliness, which is inevitable and completely normal and valid.
Additionally, solitude encompasses not only introversion but also authenticity and autonomy. In other words, being real and independent will give you the sense of being curious about yourself, aware of your emotions, in control of your actions, and less prone to being dominated by others. In taking care of ourselves, picture it as how you wanted to be treated when you were still a child.
We find comfort in our own embrace once we don’t coerce ourselves to be fine with it. Although it can be overwhelming at first, its warmth eventually gives off the security and peacefulness that we need. We don’t have to compel anyone to just deal with being alone through ways that work for us. Instead, we must encourage them to observe how solitude feels while also assuring them that there are no proper ways to enjoy it.
As cliché as it may sound, Christmas is what you make of it. Even though a lot has changed in the past few years, Christmas still gives off a familiarity that we want to rekindle. Alone or not, we are still entitled to celebrate this festive season in ways we feel like it. By cherishing their memories and small features that make the season meaningful, while also alleviating the stress of fully experiencing it, hopefully everything may begin to seem magical again.
Hopefully.
