Do children owe their parents?: On utang na loob
By Sophia Katherine Sarmiento
Braving the seas of Filipino norms and values isn’t an effortless task, but a daunting one. And beating the red lights of the utang na loob card is definitely not an easy feat.
Yet here I am, envisioning a world — preferably in this traditional Filipino culture — where some children are hardly viewed as an emergency or retirement fund, and neither as means to an end for their parents’ own unfulfilled aspirations.
“I give, you give back. I help you, you owe me one.”
And as the old adage goes, “Huwag mong kagatin ang kamay na nagpakain sa iyo.” It seemed logical enough to bring back political or personal favors, and owe our own families and biological figures for their most diligent efforts in raising us.
Yet it seemed reasonable because the notion already appeared to be inherent. In distinct cultures, it’s the invisible debt that is always recurring whenever somebody gives away a helping hand out of the kindness of their hearts. For Filipinos, it goes way beyond the kusang loob and pakikipag kapwa that are ingrained alongside it.
It’s not to say that people like me are ingrates and walang hiya. Maybe it’s just high time for this subject to finally get talked about without spilling hot boiling water.
A deeply-rooted ‘debt’
Before I was born, there was obviously a choice. There goes my parents’ decision to have kids and bear us; a willingness to provide and sustain our fundamental needs to continue living in this unpredictable world of movement and change.
But there is definitely a fitting need for enlightenment.
As we all grow up from our naive habitat of comfort and enthusiasm to living our natural or unreal selves, we become our own persons in the plight of achieving something more; emerging with the values taught to us by our own parental figures including academic institutions.
We’ve been taught the purpose of maintaining kagandahang loob and goodwill among others, as it coincides with our interreligious beliefs or Catholic roots and exceptionally so with our own sense of effective altruism in the context of families. Thus, it creates an anchor on our connection with them to now cater to our elderly parents or figures for their lifelong commitment to us.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. As parents fulfill their duties for our own upbringing, we too have the ability to do the same thing for them. Filipino cultural values have resolutely said so since it’s deeply rooted in history. And hospitality has been part of the list alongside resiliency that everyone’s heartily proud about as Filipinos.
However, a correction would mean that parents are certainly obligated to show responsibility and accountability for their children, sons, and daughters. As a matter of fact, children’s rights are a testament to that cultivation.
I’m not high off my horse to say that utang na loob is entirely wrong, and that we don’t owe our parents anything anymore as most of us grow into this generational trauma of being forced to pay them back. Believe it or not, this debt of gratitude has two faces: the good and the abused.
Kindness and sharing permeate the good, while the abused form morphs charity into a coerced sense of being that children are expected to behave. The gaslighting card will nevertheless be pulled, as the kid never desired to become a doctor in the first place or chose to live the role of the breadwinner in their quaint household.
This social reality of being enthralled with gratitude as debt is deeply misconstrued. In this case, whether you’re higher up in the social hierarchy or not, the cards we pick are often different from what our parents choose to draw.
Grappling with gratitude
As I remember watching the films Seven Sundays and Four Sisters And A Wedding, the amount of relevance it gave to a clear depiction of a Filipino household and its individuals’ affairs were accurate and beautifully portrayed, but not what I would call the raw cut of every Filipino experience.
When I joined mental health support groups on Facebook last year, the unembellished realities were laid bare before me, and it hurts to see more than a few people venting about the same toxic themes of utang na loob from their own parents — who wanted them to live their life fully for money, for paying the bills, for taking a different college program, or for the sustenance of their supposed safe-haven called a family.
Family situations are complicated, and I may not be able to reiterate one or the other for it’s universally large. But above everything that’s been mentioned, it became easy to say that this debt only descended into the lower depths of dysfunction or unnecessary toxicity.
Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth gave me this admirable impression of a simple flower sprouting beauty and awakening humans’ fascination with how it blossoms. As ethereal as it was painted, it also became our innermost nature as individuals who struggle to live in this world of dysfunction.
And if flowers bloom at a later day for another season, then they will also wither when there’s already too much rain and nothing more to nourish them. Just like everyone else, we all have our own highs and lows that breach our mental capacity to flourish or fall at breakneck speed. Our parents’ instruction may be the ultimate direction to follow, but let’s not abandon ourselves for the sake of manifesting gratitude and suppressing our ultimate persona for a lifetime.
Even if we are all a work in progress, there shouldn’t be a tireless need to reiterate favors and keep score to keep the blood relationship going. That’s how emotional abuse is set in motion, and toleration will only keep it going as the law of inertia would proverbially say. Or else, we’ll dwindle down until passion doesn’t drive us any longer and only this invisible debt will.
Perhaps it’s time to avoid this scheme of emotional debt from being depicted in endless tirades of “Ako ang nagpalaki sa’yo,” “Wala kang utang na loob!” and more great deals of guilt-tripping.
‘Utang na loob’ is a choice
It was also one rainy morning while I scrolled away when a TV series snippet hanging loose on my feed got my undivided attention. The likable woman from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and distinguished actress, Jennifer Aniston, starred in The Morning Show which brought about the infamous interaction between her character and her daughter Lizzy (Oona Roche) that detailed a parent’s sacrifice for their children.
This was also taught to us since grade school — even in nursery school, that our parents made sacrifices for us and that we should be thankful for whatever disposition we are already experiencing. There were sacrifices that a parent never told us about but needed to make, and there were also instances when we cannot blame them for acting this way because of external factors.
Some of these factors are rooted in their surroundings and economic stature, which stems from a bigger problem within the country itself. As Virgilio Enriquez would say, “Utang na loob would be convenient in perpetuating the colonial status of the Filipino mind.”
As much as I want to say that we don’t owe our parents for several reasons stated, we somewhat still owe them, to an extent.
While I may sound ungrateful in mentioning all of these and have garnered a straight amount of sama ng loob, giving back to my parents is of my own volition. It’s not as convoluted as it looks like — and it’s not because I was propelled into thinking that I’m obligated to be grateful, but rather because of the willingness and sensible love I have for my parents while being imperfect altogether.
But my decision is unlike the others, and most definitely different from what their stories tell. There is great respect reserved for all those who are trying and continuously living through the stigma, despite the number of times communicating this same concern to them and getting back at square one in the end.
The same respect goes for parents who always strive their best for their children no matter their circumstances in life. Misunderstandings are commonplace, but the feeling of home will hopefully still be present.
And while there may not be a concrete solution aside from effective communication to this, the answer lies meaningfully within ourselves; if we choose to owe them, or not — or succumb to cultural forces, is up for us to decide.
